This week I am celebrating a success in my work life—one that will earn me an award among my peers—and yet I struggle with receiving praise and accolades. As a woman growing up, I was constantly reminded to be humble, be seen and not heard, don’t draw attention to yourself, no one likes a show-off, and so on and so on.
Women who wear bright colors, have large amounts of energy, and speak about themselves positively are often labeled egocentric and judged harshly. I know because I used to be labeled as a bit much or a little too sunny. Over the years, that slowly got pushed down and stifled. Many times, those judgments came from other women who would look down their noses at me and others like me. I call it the “mean girls club.”
Believe me, I lived it in middle and high school, lived it in college, faced it in my work environments, and now even in leadership organizations and social clubs. When we see our male counterparts do the same, they are described as self-assured, assertive, and proud.
Studies have shown us time and again that women will often not jump at leadership roles, stand up for themselves at work, or be the first to volunteer to lead in any opportunity. Indeed, they will often wait to let the males in the room answer first. I find that I don’t do these things much anymore either. I also find that when I do stand in my power, the mean girls come out. The more women walk in their power, the more others seem to have to say about those moments. You have to wonder what that’s about.
In a time when women really need to ensure they have a voice—as many of our counterparts still work to silence them—why do those who are our sisters often try to stifle us, pull us back, or temper our energy? I am a firm believer in helping others have a voice—one that is not sharp, rude, or condescending, but one that is assertive, kind, and knowledgeable. A voice that enters into a space authentically and with purpose.
If you struggle with your own voice, find ways to express it in a positive yet meaningful way. You can begin a blog. You can write an editorial. You can speak at events. You can sign up to lead something. Practice your voice in settings where you feel comfortable. If you are at a table and someone is saying something you don’t agree with, be sure to talk about what matters to you. It is okay to agree to disagree. It is okay to lead. It is okay to have an opinion rooted in facts and to share those facts with others.
Give yourself permission to be you—to acknowledge your voice and use it. See how you feel and reinforce the positive outcomes for both yourself and humanity. And if you are a mean girl—JUST STOP! If you’re not sure, ask some trusted people around you, and they will tell you. Maybe not directly—“yes, you’re a mean girl”—but perhaps with a statement like, “It’s good practice to listen and understand others’ views,” or “It might be nice if you rounded your sharp edges a little,” or “It could go a long way if you were just a bit more understanding.”
Being a good human takes effort, but the kindness you offer is free. Do both!